Aftershocks

or: what I've been doing since my last newsletter

The last newsletter that I sent was quite heavy. I didn’t know how to talk about it except in a very roundabout way—but suffice it to say, the last few weeks of my time in Taiwan were difficult. There was a lot of acting like things were capital-O Okay, and when I came home, it all crashed upon me in this tidal wave of shock.

I'm trying to regulate myself. I'm talking to my therapist every day. I'm taking medication to help with my nervous system dysregulation. I'm cleaning my room over and over again because that feels like the right thing to do. I got a haircut and dyed my hair platinum again because it hadn't been platinum in a while, and I just needed a change. It’s a cliché, but when people have dramatic things happen in their lives, sometimes they just need a dramatic hairstyle. I’d had bleached hair for many years and then stopped when the pandemic started. And now I am back to blonde, which feels really good; I still have my collection of wigs, but those are currently in storage.

I've been watching a lot of calming television. C and I had been watching “Reacher,” which is based on the Jack Reacher books (a very classically Dad Series of Books; which, funnily enough, I've read almost all of—it’s a wish fulfillment series of books about a very large, strong man who can fight anyone and anything). While my body was freaking out, “Reacher” proved to be too stimulating after a while.

And so we started watching “Pokemon Concierge,” which is a very lovely and sweet stop-motion show about a woman named Haru who is a Pokémon concierge on an island where she makes sure that the Pokémon have a great time on their vacations. I’ve never been super into Pokémon, but the show is comforting. I only wish there were more than four episodes.

I've also been listening to grounding audios that my therapist recorded, but I think that these sorts of audios can be readily found on YouTube. You look at and notice three things, then listen for three things, and then feel the sensation of three things. Then you look at two things, listen for two things, and feel the sensation of two things. This continues until you get down to one each. It’s a remarkably useful exercise in grounding oneself when your nervous system is out of whack.

And mine has been out of whack. I've been trembling; I've been too hot; I've been too cold. My body and mind have felt fragile. I've been dressing up and doing makeup every day, too. Even if I don't leave the house, it feels like something that helps me feel more like myself.

I'm wearing my favorite perfume, which is Seven Veils by Byredo. It's a perfume that was recommended to me via the Perfume Concierge, also known as New Yorker staff writer Rachel Syme. She used to ask on Twitter if people had requests for perfume recommendations. You’d say something like, I want to feel sexy and confident. Like I'm walking into a ballroom wearing the nicest dress at the party. And then she would recommend a perfume that fit how you wanted to feel. So she recommended Seven Veils to me, and I fell madly in love with it. It doesn't exist anymore; Byredo stopped making it, so I've been finding old bottles on eBay and hoarding them. I wear this perfume when I’m doing something really exciting or something where I need confidence. I've worn it to awards things. I've worn it to fun media things like the Today Show or when I was on the BBC and Sky TV—things like that.

Meanwhile, I’ve been really struggling to get any work done. I'm trying to remind myself that I've had quite a shock and I need time to calm down—plus, getting back to work immediately isn't necessarily the best thing for me when I’m feeling wildly discombobulated. And if you are feeling discombobulated as well, I'm in it with you.

Another recommendation that I have is a book by the School of Life called Reasons to Be Hopeful. It starts out with a lot of reasons that the world is hard and terrible, and then it gently moves into ways that the world can be nice. I find it useful. Reading is hard for me these days, but I find it useful to have a book that doesn't have a rah-rah, Everything's okay perspective. And the book is also just very nice to hold. It's got a hardcover with no book jacket; I hate book jackets. There are nice photographic illustrations, and the typesetting is wonderful. The paper quality is excellent. I highly recommend it.

Such is my check-in for today. It’s not like my typical newsletters, but I thought I would just be kind of open and honest about what's happening, or as much as I can anyway. If you're having a tough time too, you're not in it alone, and I’m thinking of you.