Finding Hope on the Brink

what happens when we step into our healing Journey

Art by Monica Barengo

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Lately, I’ve been feeling on the brink of something.

My hope is that I’ll experience a potential return to baseline after over a month stuck in physical exhaustion and abandoned by inspiration. When I sit down to write, I stare at the same pages, trying to rediscover the exhilarating breakthrough I’d achieved immediately before the ER visit that wrecked my baseline—staring at the pages and unable to find even a remnant of the discovery.

Or perhaps the brink is about something else. Next week, I'll head for a retreat designed for women who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Having applied for the opportunity, I’m still wary of what the experience will be like—in fact, I've already postponed this experience once due to illness. The uncertainty of what awaits is quiet. I hardly think about it because I can’t allow myself to imagine the experience without panicking. Questions flutter around me constantly: Am I truly ready for this experience? Will I return to my nightly nightmares, trapped in the cycle of waking up screaming five to seven times a night? What will the other women be like? Most of all: Will I heal?