This hit soundly this morning: “A secretive person has things about themselves that they hoard in their little caves. A secretive person is afraid of what will happen if people know.”
Sometimes I just don’t want to be perceived. It’s a struggle for me though: my mind makes judgments and filters the information I allow myself to give people based off how safe I feel with them. The vulnerability of speaking up about abuse or trauma inflicted and then being told to be silent or avoid it is a similar experience I share with you.
But being a writer means being vulnerable and open in certain ways. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the subtle nuances in distinction— an excellent prompt for journaling about later. Thank you for sharing, Esme 🌸
Sometimes I share little secrets with different people according to how I think they’ll react or who I could feel safe with.
I think a part of me also tries to “balance the load”. I don’t want my emotions to by overly overwhelming to any one person, so I try to spread it out.
I think I'm an ex-secretive person. Before I came out as gay, everything was locked away. I always thought I was secretive and shy, but after I shed my baggage, turns out that's not the case. Thanks for this beautiful and reflective post :)
I don't know if it's possible to tell everyone everything. Closest for me would be my husband, but there are times I feel I can't trust myself or my own memory, in which case, how could anyone else?
This distinction is such a fascinating one. I doubt anyone who knows me would call me super private but I am secretive about aspects of my life- what novels I‘m working on are about when I start them, and DEFINITELY my passwords. I am with you on the passwords, Esmé. I am also sometimes secretive about things that are absurd. When I got my first visible tattoo — at 40, mind you — I wore 3/4 or full sleeves around my dad for YEARS because I didn’t want to talk about it. Then I got a full sleeve tattoo this year and wrote an article on substack all about it, partly to rip the bandaid off on the secrecy, knowing he subscribed. His reaction? A shrug. 🤣
Oh Esmé, what a post. I usually oscillate between being open, secretive or private (i think of this as a kline where one end is being open, the other end is being private and being secretive is in the middle). Since the time i returned to my homeland Iran many years ago (i lived in Moscow for a few years with my parents), i had so many ideas and thoughts about what i wanted to do in the future which were all my OWN. But because i thought if i tell them even to my parents, they'd think i'm crazy, i learned to suppress them automatically (i have no sisters, only two younger brothers).
Then, when the COVID pandemic started, these thoughts and feelings started raining down on me (through weekly therapy sessions, i was able to become aware of these). Nowadays, i try to understand them more deeply but my emotions often get in the way of me being able to actualize those ideas.
This is a really helpful distinction to make here between private and secretive. I can relate to some of what you shared - I have had some struggles over the years in different relationships and friendships with actually both ends of the spectrum - being more open in certain ones and less open in others. I have felt both too small and too big at the same time.
I think I have tried based on feedback to be a little more open with what I can when I can, but I have also had to learn a little more respect for others needing certain kinds of privacy, or for a slower timeline during which trust is built (certainly it takes me quite awhile to have a basic steady sense of trust with someone!). I practice to learn some more balance with each. Sometimes for me that means leaning towards sharing and sometimes it's more leaning towards privacy at different times. Still feeling out when and where and with whom what amount of sharing or not feels good.
I never knew the difference between a secretive and a private person. I used to think I was the latter, but when broken down into detail, I realise I am a secretive person. Though I'm not entirely sure by choice. I realise somewhere along my childhood and through my teens, that I just don't trust a single person. Not one. I have had secrets thrown in my face during arguments, people who have shunned my very feelings, and so now, as some sort of survival technique, I don't tell people things about myself. You ask me how I am and I will tell you I'm fine, I'm always fine.
And that just kind of sucks.
I have diary though. God forbid that ever gets seen by anybody.
I really appreciate this distinction, Esme. I would not call myself a private person, but I am definitely secretive about some aspects of my life, although my writing leans heavily on the personal and vulnerable. I'm guessing my secretive tendencies are the result, like some of yours, of trauma, of feeling like everyone and everything in the world is a threat. Thank you!
i really enjoyed reading this. especially the distinction between secretive and private. it’s given me a lot of food for thought ! 🥗🍜🍧
Wow, that makes me so glad. Thank you so much!
You inspire me so—grateful to have you has a friend 🌷
Oh, my love. Thank you. You inspire me as well—all the time. All the time.
This hit soundly this morning: “A secretive person has things about themselves that they hoard in their little caves. A secretive person is afraid of what will happen if people know.”
Sometimes I just don’t want to be perceived. It’s a struggle for me though: my mind makes judgments and filters the information I allow myself to give people based off how safe I feel with them. The vulnerability of speaking up about abuse or trauma inflicted and then being told to be silent or avoid it is a similar experience I share with you.
But being a writer means being vulnerable and open in certain ways. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the subtle nuances in distinction— an excellent prompt for journaling about later. Thank you for sharing, Esme 🌸
Sometimes I share little secrets with different people according to how I think they’ll react or who I could feel safe with.
I think a part of me also tries to “balance the load”. I don’t want my emotions to by overly overwhelming to any one person, so I try to spread it out.
I think I'm an ex-secretive person. Before I came out as gay, everything was locked away. I always thought I was secretive and shy, but after I shed my baggage, turns out that's not the case. Thanks for this beautiful and reflective post :)
I don't know if it's possible to tell everyone everything. Closest for me would be my husband, but there are times I feel I can't trust myself or my own memory, in which case, how could anyone else?
This distinction is such a fascinating one. I doubt anyone who knows me would call me super private but I am secretive about aspects of my life- what novels I‘m working on are about when I start them, and DEFINITELY my passwords. I am with you on the passwords, Esmé. I am also sometimes secretive about things that are absurd. When I got my first visible tattoo — at 40, mind you — I wore 3/4 or full sleeves around my dad for YEARS because I didn’t want to talk about it. Then I got a full sleeve tattoo this year and wrote an article on substack all about it, partly to rip the bandaid off on the secrecy, knowing he subscribed. His reaction? A shrug. 🤣
Oh Esmé, what a post. I usually oscillate between being open, secretive or private (i think of this as a kline where one end is being open, the other end is being private and being secretive is in the middle). Since the time i returned to my homeland Iran many years ago (i lived in Moscow for a few years with my parents), i had so many ideas and thoughts about what i wanted to do in the future which were all my OWN. But because i thought if i tell them even to my parents, they'd think i'm crazy, i learned to suppress them automatically (i have no sisters, only two younger brothers).
Then, when the COVID pandemic started, these thoughts and feelings started raining down on me (through weekly therapy sessions, i was able to become aware of these). Nowadays, i try to understand them more deeply but my emotions often get in the way of me being able to actualize those ideas.
This is a really helpful distinction to make here between private and secretive. I can relate to some of what you shared - I have had some struggles over the years in different relationships and friendships with actually both ends of the spectrum - being more open in certain ones and less open in others. I have felt both too small and too big at the same time.
I think I have tried based on feedback to be a little more open with what I can when I can, but I have also had to learn a little more respect for others needing certain kinds of privacy, or for a slower timeline during which trust is built (certainly it takes me quite awhile to have a basic steady sense of trust with someone!). I practice to learn some more balance with each. Sometimes for me that means leaning towards sharing and sometimes it's more leaning towards privacy at different times. Still feeling out when and where and with whom what amount of sharing or not feels good.
Thank you for sharing what you have here ❤️
I never knew the difference between a secretive and a private person. I used to think I was the latter, but when broken down into detail, I realise I am a secretive person. Though I'm not entirely sure by choice. I realise somewhere along my childhood and through my teens, that I just don't trust a single person. Not one. I have had secrets thrown in my face during arguments, people who have shunned my very feelings, and so now, as some sort of survival technique, I don't tell people things about myself. You ask me how I am and I will tell you I'm fine, I'm always fine.
And that just kind of sucks.
I have diary though. God forbid that ever gets seen by anybody.
Really enjoyed.. a different perspective about difference between secretive and private..🤍
Read between the lines..
I really appreciate this distinction, Esme. I would not call myself a private person, but I am definitely secretive about some aspects of my life, although my writing leans heavily on the personal and vulnerable. I'm guessing my secretive tendencies are the result, like some of yours, of trauma, of feeling like everyone and everything in the world is a threat. Thank you!