Structure is easily underrated as a buffer against the unbalanced mind. Just a beautiful piece of work Esme. And so much appreciate your publishing it. The timing for me is ideal as I am setting about a structural revival in my son’s life after his experiencing fifteen years of chaos with no seeming end. A book altar is a noble idea, indeed. Peace and Love to you and yours.
Your words touch me deeply. The way you describe structure as a "buffer against the unbalanced mind" resonates so profoundly with my experience. There's something about reliable frameworks that can hold us when our inner worlds feel chaotic.
Fifteen years is such a long journey for both you & your son. That you're still searching for solutions speaks volumes about your love & commitment. Creating structure amidst chaos is truly an act of care.
The book altar has been such an anchor for me—I hope whatever rituals & structures you build together bring both stability & possibility to your lives.
Thank you for your reply. I want to believe that a focus on structure will lend itself to a renewal of his love for life in the same location of the country as the family who loves him but also has found living too close challenging when his illness creates difficult behaviors and circumstances. We once had that together, in the same household, in a different life and in a different place. I hope to reintroduce him to his artistic talents by showing him a greater appreciation. Also, that he’ll begin to relish and take hold of said talent, once it is sufficiently enriched and some discipline to create feels beneficial to him. As for the book altar, it may very well be my own! My wife has severely outpaced me and I hope I can do some catching up! Your courageous example has given me solace to exist in what once felt a place of forlorn hope. Your words are making a difference in my life! Peace and Love to you and yours, dear Esme’.
Thank you for sharing this! My husband had the exact same thing and he ended up getting PKR eye surgery. It was a while before the doctors came to this solution. It’s just awful people suffer so as they move through the system. Wishing you so much heart with moving through this moment!
I'm so touched by your kind message—thank you for the compassion & for sharing about your husband's experience with PKR surgery. Corneal issues are truly miserable!!! That liminal space between diagnosis & solution can feel endless when you're just trying to see clearly again. I'm taking it day by day with lots of rest & healing intentions. ❤️
Suicide is not a reflection of being unloved! I needed to read that as I experience 1 year anniversaries of events that led to my dad’s intentional overdose. Always so much wondering if I could have loved him away from his choice.
That line you responded to—that suicide is not a reflection of being unloved—is something I needed to write as much as you needed to read it.
The one-year anniversaries of those events leading to your dad's intentional overdose makes me think of that wondering—that persistent "what if.” It seems like one of the cruelest companions of suicide grief.
Please be gentle with yourself as you move through the anniversary. Your love for him matters, regardless of the choice he made in his darkest moment.
“My corneal abrasion will heal. The physical pain will subside. But the metaphorical blurring—the way loss—and particularly suicide—alters how we perceive everything that follows—remains.” thank you for this piece, it’s helping me make sense of a recent loss in my own life. i loved the part about the writing altar and ritual. sending you ease and healing<3
Hi, Esme! Thank you so much for this piece. I felt so connected with what you shared here. First of all, I hope that your eye gets better soon. It reminded me of a time when a piece of paper hit my eye and the day after, my eye got so red. I went to the ophthalmologist and she ruled out corneal abrasion. That was a long time ago, but I remember the ointment prescribed to me, and its weight and discomfort every time I apply it. Huhu.
Also, thanks for the idea of the book altar! This got me googling more about Saint Hildegard of Bingen coz I am Catholic, and I've been blessed by reading about saints. I've been offering prayers through the intercession of Saint Francis de Sales, who was a writer too, for the longest time now, but I think I need a female writer saint to be my additional writing buddy. Hehe. I also feel like I need to upgrade my small altar so that I could reconcile my faith and my writing more. Maybe offer a piece of my work-in-progress coz I am really having a hard time with it.
Lastly, as I recently experienced burnout and I also struggled with suicidal thoughts, my heart goes out to "Peter" and the people he left behind. 🤍
Oh, I'm deeply touched by your response & the way you connected with my piece. Thank you for sharing this with me. ❤️
I'm delighted that the book altar concept resonated with you! Hildegard is such a fascinating saint to explore—a mystic, composer, herbalist, & writer all wrapped into one remarkable woman, & a perfect pairing with Saint Francis de Sales! I am not Catholic, but I am fascinated by the saints.
Your idea of upgrading your altar to include a piece of your work-in-progress feels inspired. I've found that physically placing our creative struggles on an altar can transform our relationship to them—from pure frustration to something more sacred & patient. It acknowledges both the divine spark in our creative work & the very human struggle of bringing it forth. Perhaps this ritual might help you move through the difficult patch you're experiencing with your writing.
I ache to hear of your recent burnout & suicidal thoughts. Please know that I'm holding space for your healing journey with gentleness & care. These periods of darkness can be so isolating. If your experience has created any empathy for "Peter," that's a profound gift—though I hope you're finding solid ground beneath your feet again.
Thank you for this piece. It hits home for me on many points. Two older acquaintances who were reoccurring characters in my childhood (and one who I visited with just a few short months ago) recently committed suicide, and your reminder that love is not the magical antidote to suicidality feels like a much-needed balm right now. As an artist with reoccurring wrist pain, I very much appreciate your thoughts on forced pauses in creativity & your friend’s reminder that we are still working internally on our pieces, even when we physically cannot. I love love love your writing space altar and ritual, and will absolutely be stealing that idea. My husband is gifting me a new L-desk for my creative space for Mother’s Day and I’m excited to dec-it-out with special items to help the creative juices to flow. Thank you, and I wish you a quick recovery 💜
I’m holding your grief with such tenderness. Those losses, especially so close together, leave painful marks on our hearts. That reminder about love not being a magical cure feels essential in suicide grief—it relieves us of an impossible burden.
I'm delighted you're creating your own sacred space. That L-desk sounds perfect for ritual-making & creative flow. May it become a vessel for your beautiful work.
Structure is easily underrated as a buffer against the unbalanced mind. Just a beautiful piece of work Esme. And so much appreciate your publishing it. The timing for me is ideal as I am setting about a structural revival in my son’s life after his experiencing fifteen years of chaos with no seeming end. A book altar is a noble idea, indeed. Peace and Love to you and yours.
Your words touch me deeply. The way you describe structure as a "buffer against the unbalanced mind" resonates so profoundly with my experience. There's something about reliable frameworks that can hold us when our inner worlds feel chaotic.
Fifteen years is such a long journey for both you & your son. That you're still searching for solutions speaks volumes about your love & commitment. Creating structure amidst chaos is truly an act of care.
The book altar has been such an anchor for me—I hope whatever rituals & structures you build together bring both stability & possibility to your lives.
Thank you for your reply. I want to believe that a focus on structure will lend itself to a renewal of his love for life in the same location of the country as the family who loves him but also has found living too close challenging when his illness creates difficult behaviors and circumstances. We once had that together, in the same household, in a different life and in a different place. I hope to reintroduce him to his artistic talents by showing him a greater appreciation. Also, that he’ll begin to relish and take hold of said talent, once it is sufficiently enriched and some discipline to create feels beneficial to him. As for the book altar, it may very well be my own! My wife has severely outpaced me and I hope I can do some catching up! Your courageous example has given me solace to exist in what once felt a place of forlorn hope. Your words are making a difference in my life! Peace and Love to you and yours, dear Esme’.
Thank you for sharing this! My husband had the exact same thing and he ended up getting PKR eye surgery. It was a while before the doctors came to this solution. It’s just awful people suffer so as they move through the system. Wishing you so much heart with moving through this moment!
I'm so touched by your kind message—thank you for the compassion & for sharing about your husband's experience with PKR surgery. Corneal issues are truly miserable!!! That liminal space between diagnosis & solution can feel endless when you're just trying to see clearly again. I'm taking it day by day with lots of rest & healing intentions. ❤️
xx
Suicide is not a reflection of being unloved! I needed to read that as I experience 1 year anniversaries of events that led to my dad’s intentional overdose. Always so much wondering if I could have loved him away from his choice.
That line you responded to—that suicide is not a reflection of being unloved—is something I needed to write as much as you needed to read it.
The one-year anniversaries of those events leading to your dad's intentional overdose makes me think of that wondering—that persistent "what if.” It seems like one of the cruelest companions of suicide grief.
Please be gentle with yourself as you move through the anniversary. Your love for him matters, regardless of the choice he made in his darkest moment.
Holding space for your grief—
x esmé
“My corneal abrasion will heal. The physical pain will subside. But the metaphorical blurring—the way loss—and particularly suicide—alters how we perceive everything that follows—remains.” thank you for this piece, it’s helping me make sense of a recent loss in my own life. i loved the part about the writing altar and ritual. sending you ease and healing<3
Thank you for sharing that this piece is helping you navigate your own recent loss. I'm holding space for your grief with such tenderness.
Please be gentle with yourself during this time. Grief moves at its own pace & in its own way. Your heart knows what it needs.
Hi, Esme! Thank you so much for this piece. I felt so connected with what you shared here. First of all, I hope that your eye gets better soon. It reminded me of a time when a piece of paper hit my eye and the day after, my eye got so red. I went to the ophthalmologist and she ruled out corneal abrasion. That was a long time ago, but I remember the ointment prescribed to me, and its weight and discomfort every time I apply it. Huhu.
Also, thanks for the idea of the book altar! This got me googling more about Saint Hildegard of Bingen coz I am Catholic, and I've been blessed by reading about saints. I've been offering prayers through the intercession of Saint Francis de Sales, who was a writer too, for the longest time now, but I think I need a female writer saint to be my additional writing buddy. Hehe. I also feel like I need to upgrade my small altar so that I could reconcile my faith and my writing more. Maybe offer a piece of my work-in-progress coz I am really having a hard time with it.
Lastly, as I recently experienced burnout and I also struggled with suicidal thoughts, my heart goes out to "Peter" and the people he left behind. 🤍
Oh, I'm deeply touched by your response & the way you connected with my piece. Thank you for sharing this with me. ❤️
I'm delighted that the book altar concept resonated with you! Hildegard is such a fascinating saint to explore—a mystic, composer, herbalist, & writer all wrapped into one remarkable woman, & a perfect pairing with Saint Francis de Sales! I am not Catholic, but I am fascinated by the saints.
Your idea of upgrading your altar to include a piece of your work-in-progress feels inspired. I've found that physically placing our creative struggles on an altar can transform our relationship to them—from pure frustration to something more sacred & patient. It acknowledges both the divine spark in our creative work & the very human struggle of bringing it forth. Perhaps this ritual might help you move through the difficult patch you're experiencing with your writing.
I ache to hear of your recent burnout & suicidal thoughts. Please know that I'm holding space for your healing journey with gentleness & care. These periods of darkness can be so isolating. If your experience has created any empathy for "Peter," that's a profound gift—though I hope you're finding solid ground beneath your feet again.
Thank you for this piece. It hits home for me on many points. Two older acquaintances who were reoccurring characters in my childhood (and one who I visited with just a few short months ago) recently committed suicide, and your reminder that love is not the magical antidote to suicidality feels like a much-needed balm right now. As an artist with reoccurring wrist pain, I very much appreciate your thoughts on forced pauses in creativity & your friend’s reminder that we are still working internally on our pieces, even when we physically cannot. I love love love your writing space altar and ritual, and will absolutely be stealing that idea. My husband is gifting me a new L-desk for my creative space for Mother’s Day and I’m excited to dec-it-out with special items to help the creative juices to flow. Thank you, and I wish you a quick recovery 💜
I’m holding your grief with such tenderness. Those losses, especially so close together, leave painful marks on our hearts. That reminder about love not being a magical cure feels essential in suicide grief—it relieves us of an impossible burden.
I'm delighted you're creating your own sacred space. That L-desk sounds perfect for ritual-making & creative flow. May it become a vessel for your beautiful work.
Gentle healing to both of us.
x esmé
I love that poem! Really beautiful. I think a book altar is just what I need as I work through endless edits on my memoir. (First draft complete but…)
And I’m sorry about your cornea! This too shall pass and all that but still sucks.