What Does It Mean to Live Out Your Dream?

or, I am a writer and I can't quite believe it

When La La Land came out in theaters, I went to see it because I was in a belated Ryan Gosling phase and wanted to know what all the fuss was about. Long story short: I did not like it; Moonlight certainly deserved the Oscar that year. But the film grabbed me for one significant reason: it was about the desire to be an artist. It was about how hard and how unlikely it is to actually make a living as an artist—as indicated by the hustle LA culture portrayed onscreen—and by the time I left the theater, I was astonished and euphoric by the thought that I had dreamt of being a writer all my life, and somehow it had happened. I had become a writer, against all odds.

I had the same thought in mind when I interviewed Andrew Garfield in late 2021, sitting at my BFF’s kitchen table at 11 p.m. with him on the phone in his car. He was filming Under the Banner of Heaven in Calgary, and I was in D.C. and full of questions about his art and his career. (It remains one of my favorite things I’ve ever worked on. I fought so hard to get an interview with him, and it was the Believer who finally accepted my pitch. Thank you to that wonderful publication.)

I asked him, “Tick, tick… Boom! is so much about that and the difficulties that come with it—about the culture of theater, having to be frugal, hustling to make it work. And I did wonder if you had a moment, or a series of moments when you realized you were going to be able to make a living as an actor.”

His reply was longer than I’d anticipated—one thing about Andrew Garfield is that he’s bizarrely, exceptionally eloquent, and I couldn’t believe that the things he was saying were off-the-cuff: “I think tick, tick… Boom! is about everything you just mentioned—and the struggle. I went to drama school, and then I got lucky. I did two or three plays, maybe two plays, straightaway in great theaters in the UK, and I felt so lucky and grateful. And then I got lulled into this whole sense of security, like that’s how it was always going to be, and then, lo and behold, I had a year of unemployment in acting. I had to go back to my temp jobs, which were telemarketing and waiting tables, and being a cricket coach’s assistant in the UK. It was grim. And then it just so happened during that year that I went through my first big breakup, my first big heartbreak. It was just the perfect storm of things falling apart.”

I said, “But you kept going.”

He replied, “Well, that’s the thing. I think what those moments do is they force you to reckon with this thing that is called your life in terms of that wonderful thing Rilke talks about If you wake up in the middle of the night with this burning desire where you know you… There’s no way that you can’t not write. It’s the same thing for anyone who feels a calling for something. So that year was a real test of my mettle and of this feeling about what I felt called to. And, yeah, I’m a lucky person in the sense that I stuck with it and I didn’t give up. I didn’t give up what felt right to me, as you say, in my soul.” (The rest of the interview is right here.)

If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you’ll know that my career almost didn’t happen. (You can hear all about it in my podcast.) My first book was rejected over 40 times. My agent at the time rejected the idea of an essay collection about. the schizophrenias not once, not twice, but three times. There was a period in my life when I couldn’t bear to enter a bookstore because going to bookstores simply reminded me of every publisher and press that had rejected my work.

And now I’m a writer. I still need to cobble together ways to make money—there is no way that I could live simply off of freelance work and/or royalties—but I’m able to pursue writing in a way that I only dreamed of when I was a child and stapled dot matrix paper together into side-saddle booklets. I dreamt of something, and somehow, it’s happened. I don’t know if the books in my future will find an audience; maybe my career will fizzle and die. But I’m so lucky to have reached this point, and I don’t ever, ever want to forget that.

That’s honestly one of the reasons that I try to make writing education accessible to people outside of New York or the MFA rigamarole.

If you live with limitations like I do, going to three-hour long workshops late at night and spending stressful time at university programs that might not speak to you feels wrong, if not impossible. The Unexpected Shape Writing Academy’s Writing Intensive will be relaunched next month, and it will be even more accessible than it was before. I pray that it finds its audience. I hope that it finds you right where you need it.

The last few months have been full of mourning and grief. I think I’m finally peeking my head out from under the covers, hoping to spot some light in the darkness. Maybe this is the right pivot for the Academy. Maybe I’ll be less stressed than I was before. Maybe it’ll serve our members better. Maybe I’ll finally finish this new book.

That’s what I mean by hope, in some ways—when tomorrow seems like it might actually be something to look forward to.

Today I pulled this card from the Sacred Creators Oracle: Creator Water.

“Dive into water. Water governs the watery depths of emotion and intuition. When you tune out all the should do’s and could do’s, and you throw out logic and responsibility overboard, what’s left? Tune out everything except what you feel. All you know is that emotion is guiding you and that any thoughts that come up for you are the direct result of your intuition. What messages flow into your awareness?”

I’ve been in my feelings for a while now. Everything feels foggy and strange. But I have the window open. It’s 3:12 PM and sunny outside. Finches are at the feeder.

Maybe things will turn out okay.

Some really amazing stuff is coming out soon. The above images are just a little bit of what’s coming.

Also: I’m going to be searching for a new virtual assistant soon. Chloe is moving on after four years of working together, and she has some big shoes to fill. Soon I’ll be posting a job description for a 4-6 hour/week VA position. Remote is fantastic. $30/hour.

ONE LAST THING: this week I’ve made a guest appearance on the fabulous movie podcast about feelings, You Are Good. I’m on the show with Sarah Marshall (of You’re Wrong About fame) and Alex Steed, talking about American Psycho.

Keep an eye out for more.