I wore masks nearly my entire life. I removed them all to reveal the internal me, and it’s a very different experience. But people I knew don’t know how to take me. I’ve been rejected by most for no longer fitting the mold I was previously cast. I find myself sometimes at a loss when best of friends no longer reply to my texts.
Did I do something wrong? Has authenticity cost me a price? In some terms yes. I’ve walked away from 58 years of shapeshifting that protected me. I was trying to survive. I was protecting myself from childhood abuse that I had stuffed down and covered so nobody knew. I could be somebody for everybody. I couldn’t ever get hurt. Until I married a narcissist. He broke me.
Nearly 20 years after the emotionally scarring and psychological events leading up to his death, I can say I am my own person. I eventually emerged into someone who can, almost always, speak up for herself. I don’t live in fear.
I do live with severe mental illness that was, if not incurred by my marriage, was exacerbated by it. There were always alarming events in my childhood, and always mental health symptoms that were not fully addressed. But my marriage turned everything into a five-alarm fire without enough water to prevent me from having a full meltdown.
I’m now recovered enough that I’m planning to exit assisted living as soon as I can find an apartment. Everything is now so expensive that it’s going to cost me every last dime of savings. Reality check.
I no longer even have many household goods. Nearly everything was sold off. I don’t have kitchenware. It’s going to be a long haul to replace anything. But tag sale season is coming soon! I will be optimistic.
I will be the authentic me with no masks. It will be interesting to see if I find friends. I’m not sure how I come off. I know I don’t want to put on those old masks and hide.
Perhaps just Shapes? 🙃
Me too!! & me too, me too
I wore masks nearly my entire life. I removed them all to reveal the internal me, and it’s a very different experience. But people I knew don’t know how to take me. I’ve been rejected by most for no longer fitting the mold I was previously cast. I find myself sometimes at a loss when best of friends no longer reply to my texts.
Did I do something wrong? Has authenticity cost me a price? In some terms yes. I’ve walked away from 58 years of shapeshifting that protected me. I was trying to survive. I was protecting myself from childhood abuse that I had stuffed down and covered so nobody knew. I could be somebody for everybody. I couldn’t ever get hurt. Until I married a narcissist. He broke me.
Nearly 20 years after the emotionally scarring and psychological events leading up to his death, I can say I am my own person. I eventually emerged into someone who can, almost always, speak up for herself. I don’t live in fear.
I do live with severe mental illness that was, if not incurred by my marriage, was exacerbated by it. There were always alarming events in my childhood, and always mental health symptoms that were not fully addressed. But my marriage turned everything into a five-alarm fire without enough water to prevent me from having a full meltdown.
I’m now recovered enough that I’m planning to exit assisted living as soon as I can find an apartment. Everything is now so expensive that it’s going to cost me every last dime of savings. Reality check.
I no longer even have many household goods. Nearly everything was sold off. I don’t have kitchenware. It’s going to be a long haul to replace anything. But tag sale season is coming soon! I will be optimistic.
I will be the authentic me with no masks. It will be interesting to see if I find friends. I’m not sure how I come off. I know I don’t want to put on those old masks and hide.