This essay....I feel seen. I, too, struggle with numerous mental health issues. Currently having quite an especially rough go of it. And yet....and YET, I, too love picking out what I will wear each day, using the naked canvas of my washed face to slowly put on potions and lotions and powders, define my brows, lips, high cheek bones. I am 60 and this still gives me such pleasure, it's impossible to describe. So you did it for me, Esme. As our beautiful and missed, bell, did, too. I have actually told my husband that when I stop doing THAT, that is when he'll know I've given up. At my age, is it still vanity? Some, yes, it is. But it's also about this deep, private pleasure that I still feel each morning in front of my mirror. And, yes, the magnification of the mirror has increased with my age. But I am truly grateful for this pleasure. It's mine, all mine. At the tips of my fingers. And to read this this morning? I couldn't have woken up to read anything better. Huge love to you and your beloved, Esme...xo
Oh, I love this comment so very much. I loved it so much that it took me a gruesomely long time to finally respond, for which I apologize (sometimes I get so excited about a comment or an email that I convince myself I must make the PERFECT response, which inevitably leads to procrastination). I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it and I'm delighted that you still enjoy putting on your makeup. It's really such a pleasure sometimes. I don't do it if I don't feel like it because I don't want it to become an obligation, but when I enjoy it, it's art. Sending love to you.
I can’t quite put into words how much I love this. It helps me reframe some things about my gender expression as a gender queer person. And I’m really excited to start trying some new things. Ah, I really love this.
I relate to so much here. Not skilled with make-up (or hail for that matter, lol) but I love, love, love beautiful clothes--the cashmere sweater in raspberry, a silk brown and lavender floral dress, a heavy tapestry cape with a single fabric covered button at the top-- they matter to me. Pieces that make me feel like more of who I am when I wear them. I appreciate the reminder that there's value in that.
"Pieces that make me feel like more of who I am when I wear them." EXACTLY. I love clothing for this reason. And thank you for sharing some of the pieces that you love—I love imagining the tapestry cape in particular. I have some capes from the early 1900s and I love them.
So lovely! I have allodynia, so soft fabrics are a must. Often, that means silk and cashmere and satin alongside synthetic fluff and sherpa. I always write more (and better) when I’m draped in something that makes me feel pretty, when I know my hair looks good, when my cheeks are flushed and my eyebrows are just so. I sit up straighter. So I started working on cute pajamas and softie clothes for can’t-get-out-of-bed day. There’s a quiet confidence in loving your clothes at home, where you aren’t being seen.
Oh my gosh, yes. When I was most housebound and bed-bound, I tended to wear the same things over and over—very soft and comfy things, but still beautiful. I had one blue printed dress with a sailor collar that I have in storage, partially because it reminds me so much of being illl. But yes: "a quiet confidence in loving your clothes at home, where you aren't being seen."
This essay....I feel seen. I, too, struggle with numerous mental health issues. Currently having quite an especially rough go of it. And yet....and YET, I, too love picking out what I will wear each day, using the naked canvas of my washed face to slowly put on potions and lotions and powders, define my brows, lips, high cheek bones. I am 60 and this still gives me such pleasure, it's impossible to describe. So you did it for me, Esme. As our beautiful and missed, bell, did, too. I have actually told my husband that when I stop doing THAT, that is when he'll know I've given up. At my age, is it still vanity? Some, yes, it is. But it's also about this deep, private pleasure that I still feel each morning in front of my mirror. And, yes, the magnification of the mirror has increased with my age. But I am truly grateful for this pleasure. It's mine, all mine. At the tips of my fingers. And to read this this morning? I couldn't have woken up to read anything better. Huge love to you and your beloved, Esme...xo
Oh, I love this comment so very much. I loved it so much that it took me a gruesomely long time to finally respond, for which I apologize (sometimes I get so excited about a comment or an email that I convince myself I must make the PERFECT response, which inevitably leads to procrastination). I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it and I'm delighted that you still enjoy putting on your makeup. It's really such a pleasure sometimes. I don't do it if I don't feel like it because I don't want it to become an obligation, but when I enjoy it, it's art. Sending love to you.
I can’t quite put into words how much I love this. It helps me reframe some things about my gender expression as a gender queer person. And I’m really excited to start trying some new things. Ah, I really love this.
Ah, Ash, thank you so much! And I'd love to hear more about some of your experiments in gender expression.
I relate to so much here. Not skilled with make-up (or hail for that matter, lol) but I love, love, love beautiful clothes--the cashmere sweater in raspberry, a silk brown and lavender floral dress, a heavy tapestry cape with a single fabric covered button at the top-- they matter to me. Pieces that make me feel like more of who I am when I wear them. I appreciate the reminder that there's value in that.
"Pieces that make me feel like more of who I am when I wear them." EXACTLY. I love clothing for this reason. And thank you for sharing some of the pieces that you love—I love imagining the tapestry cape in particular. I have some capes from the early 1900s and I love them.
Ah, I bet those are so lovely! Thank you and you're welcome.
So lovely! I have allodynia, so soft fabrics are a must. Often, that means silk and cashmere and satin alongside synthetic fluff and sherpa. I always write more (and better) when I’m draped in something that makes me feel pretty, when I know my hair looks good, when my cheeks are flushed and my eyebrows are just so. I sit up straighter. So I started working on cute pajamas and softie clothes for can’t-get-out-of-bed day. There’s a quiet confidence in loving your clothes at home, where you aren’t being seen.
Oh my gosh, yes. When I was most housebound and bed-bound, I tended to wear the same things over and over—very soft and comfy things, but still beautiful. I had one blue printed dress with a sailor collar that I have in storage, partially because it reminds me so much of being illl. But yes: "a quiet confidence in loving your clothes at home, where you aren't being seen."
<3 And I've had to donate clothes for similar reasons.
I’m such a huge fan of your work and am honored that you shared my writing 🩷🩷
Oh, it was my pleasure. And thank you so much!
honored to have my work shared along with John Warners! his essay on upmarket fiction changed the way i relate to literature 🖤
Oh, me too! I absolutely did not know the phrase "upmarket fiction" before that. And I love sharing your work.
“Nothing actually changes about you; it’s everyone else who hallucinates the difference.”
Brilliant. Talk about breath-catching!
Silk everything is really one of the pinnacles of joy.